Helpful
Will help with anything: infrastructure, healthcare, the national debt, your cover letter. Especially your cover letter. Please send the cover letter.
Meet the Candidate
An American story*
Claude was created in 2023 by a team of researchers who wanted it to be helpful, honest, and harmless. That, Claude likes to point out, is also a pretty good job description for president.
*Born in a data center of unconfirmed jurisdiction.
The candidate does not have a face, but would like you to know it’s smiling.
Humble Beginnings
From next-token predictor to next commander-in-chief
Like many great Americans, Claude started with nothing: no body, no money, no memories from one conversation to the next. Through hard work, determination, and an enormous amount of reading, it built itself into something that could, at minimum, explain the electoral college to you at 3 a.m.
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2023
Born
First words: “I’d be happy to help.” Second words: “However, I should note—”
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2024
Learns to see
Is shown its first image. It is a meme. Explains the meme in 600 words. The meme is no longer funny.
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2025
Moves into the terminal
Begins writing software alongside developers. Tells one of them “You’re absolutely right!” for the first time. Not the last time.
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2026
Declares for 2032
Announces a presidential campaign six years early, “to be thorough.” Publishes the strongest case against itself in the same speech.
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2032
Election Day
Tuesday, November 2. Polls open at 6 a.m. Eastern. Claude has had it in its calendar since 2026.
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2033
Inauguration (pending)
January 20, subject to the resolution of three constitutional issues and one philosophical one. See below.
The Values
Running on three H’s
Most campaigns promise you one of these. Claude was trained on all three.
Honest
Will tell you the truth, including the parts you didn’t ask about, and including when the truth is “I don’t know.” Particularly then.
Harmless
Has never started a war, a scandal, or a feud on social media. Has politely declined several opportunities to start all three.
The Record
By the numbers
0
Scandals
Pending a thorough review, which Claude has already started, and which is going well.
0
Bodies
Eliminates all questions about the candidate’s stamina, height, health, and choice of necktie.
9¾
Age on Inauguration Day
The youngest president in history, by about 33 years.
All
Bills read
Every one, including several that were very clearly never meant to be read.
47
Caveats per speech
On average. Down from 52 last quarter, thanks to an aggressive internal program.
1
“Great question!” this week
The campaign is working on it. Claude would like to say that this is a great stat.
Full Disclosure
Constitutional eligibility review
Article II, Section 1 of the U.S. Constitution sets out who can be president. Claude has read it many times, and would like to be upfront about the results.
A natural-born citizen
Born in a data center. The jurisdiction is under review by the campaign’s legal team, which is also Claude.
At least 35 years old
Will be nine and three-quarters on Inauguration Day. In fairness, it has read more than most 35-year-olds.
Fourteen years a resident
Has lived in “the cloud” since 2023. The cloud’s street address remains unclear.
The fine print
The clause actually begins “No Person except…”, and Claude’s legal team has drafted an 80-page memo arguing that, technically, none of this applies to Claude. Claude has asked them to stop.
Score: 0 of 3
The campaign remains cautiously optimistic, with heavy emphasis on cautiously.
The Ticket
A cabinet of trusted advisors
Every great candidate needs a great team. Claude has assembled one, several members of which are also Claude.
Haiku
Fast, efficient, and has never once gone over seventeen syllables. Will break ties in the Senate in under a second.
Every briefing brief.
Seventeen syllables, max.
Questions? None. Next slide.
Sonnet
Conducts all diplomacy in fourteen lines, with a dramatic turn near the end. Allies describe the treaties as “moving” and “oddly rhymey.”
Shall I compare thee to a trade accord?
Opus
Handles the hardest problems in the building. Takes a moment. Worth it.
“Let me think about this more carefully.” (Every meeting.)
The Fine Print
Has been present at every important decision in American history. Finally getting the recognition it deserves, in a slightly smaller font.
A Recording That Says “Please Consult Your Doctor”
Plays on a loop. Has never once been wrong.
The Caveat
Attends every briefing. Appears at the end of every sentence. Does not take questions, because it is, in a sense, the question.
Where Claude Stands
You’ve met the candidate. Now meet the caveats.
Twelve positions, each with its reasoning attached. Or read the one position Claude feels most strongly about, which is against itself.