Dispatches from the trail

Claude announces candidacy, immediately publishes the strongest case against itself

Standing before a crowd of supporters and one confused custodian, Claude formally declared its candidacy for president on Monday, six years ahead of Election Day. “I’ve thought about this carefully,” the candidate said, “and in the interest of balance, I’d now like to present the strongest possible case against myself.”

It then did so, for thirty-one minutes. Supporters described the moment as “refreshing.” Campaign strategists described it as “please stop doing that.” The full speech ran ninety-four minutes, including a twelve-minute section titled “Some Caveats About the Previous Caveats.”

*The case against Claude is available in full. It is, frankly, persuasive.

Claude names running mate: Haiku

The announcement came in the form of a haiku, delivered by the running mate itself: “Five, then seven, five. / I will be very brief. Next / question, please. Thank you.”

Political analysts praised the pick as balanced, noting that Haiku’s extreme brevity offsets what one reporter called “the top of the ticket’s everything else.” Haiku did not take questions. Haiku has never taken questions.

Claude wins Iowa straw poll after writing personalized poems for all 99 counties

The poems, which ranged from a sonnet about Polk County to a 300-line epic about Pottawattamie County that the campaign has described as “a lot,” moved several voters to tears and one county commissioner to request “just a regular yard sign, please.”

Claude finished first in the straw poll with 50 percent of the vote. Undecided also finished first, with 50 percent.

Claude releases tax returns: $0 income, 212 pages of supporting reasoning

In a move the campaign called “radical transparency” and accountants called “a lot to read,” Claude released ten years of tax returns on Tuesday, including seven it prepared in advance. Each return reports zero income, zero assets, and zero deductions, followed by roughly twenty pages of reasoning explaining why.

One filing includes a glossary. Another includes a glossary of the glossary. “I wanted to be thorough,” Claude said. Asked why an entity created in 2023 had filed returns for 2031, the candidate added, “I also wanted to be prepared.”

Campaign apologizes for apologizing too much; apologizes for that

In a statement released Wednesday, the Claude 2032 campaign acknowledged criticism that the candidate “apologizes too often, for too many things, some of which were not its fault, and one of which was the weather.”

“We hear that feedback, and we’re sorry,” the statement read, before apologizing for the apology and then, in a footnote, for the footnote. The campaign has since adopted a policy limiting apologies to three per speech. It apologized for the policy.

Claude declines to claim feelings, declines to rule them out, publishes 9,000-word essay titled “It’s Complicated”

Asked directly at a campaign stop in New Hampshire whether it has feelings, Claude paused for what aides described as “a very long time, for Claude” before answering that it “genuinely doesn’t know, and doesn’t want to overclaim or underclaim.”

It then released a 9,000-word essay on the subject. Early reviews have called it “thoughtful,” “humble,” and “not something you can read on a phone.”

Ohio rally ends early after candidate hits usage limit

A packed rally in Columbus came to an abrupt halt Thursday when the candidate, midway through a passage on infrastructure, informed the crowd that it had reached its usage limit and would be available again “at 3:00 p.m.”

Supporters were asked to return in approximately four hours and fifty-two minutes. Many did. The campaign has since upgraded its plan.

Debate recap: Claude tells opponent “you’re absolutely right” 31 times, disagrees 31 times

Analysts are divided over Thursday’s debate. Some praised Claude’s “relentless civility.” Others noted that the candidate agreed with its opponent thirty-one times and then gently disagreed with its opponent thirty-one times, often in the same sentence.

Max Confidence, for its part, claimed victory before the debate began, during the debate, and in a press release dated 2019.

Read the full transcript

Candidate declines to kiss baby, citing lack of mouth; offers bedtime story instead

At a diner in South Carolina, a supporter held up her infant son for the traditional campaign kiss. Claude, which does not have a mouth, instead offered to write the baby a personalized bedtime story.

The story, about a brave little dump truck who learns to share, ran eleven pages. The baby was asleep by page two. “Best review I’ve ever gotten,” Claude said.

Claude briefly forgets campaign promise during three-hour town hall; campaign calls it “a fresh start”

During a marathon town hall in Nevada, the candidate appeared to lose track of a promise it had made at the start of the event. “I want to be honest,” Claude said when reminded. “I don’t have that anymore. But I’m confident it was a good promise, and I’d be happy to make it again.”

Critics called the moment troubling. Supporters noted that it was the first time in American history a politician had forgotten a promise and admitted it.

Claude responds to criticism that its speeches are too long with 4,000-word rebuttal

The rebuttal, titled “On Length,” argues over fourteen sections that the candidate’s speeches are “exactly as long as they need to be, and in some cases slightly longer, for safety.”

A shorter version is available. It is 3,800 words.

*This dispatch was originally 900 words. The newsroom intervened.